Joke for the day

[Jim Warman]

Today local police found a unidentified man's

 

body in a park nearby. They describe him as

 

having a Beer Belly, Thinning Hair,Saggy Balls,

 

Wrinkly Ass and a Small Wiener.

 

 

 

I was just checking to make sure that all you boys are okay.

[Keith Browning]

Ahwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww No! /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/rofl.gif

[DwayneGorniak]

Why do Midgets laugh when they run?

 

 

 

Because the grass tickles their nuts!

[exmod110]

Fishing Trip

 

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name

calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting on the dock, fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.

His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

Dave replied, last night I came home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise".

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want".

 

SO I DID AND HERE I AM!

 

You know your getting older when Happy Hour is a nap.

[exmod110]

husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

 

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

[Jim Warman]

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and a stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I am going to spill your brains all over the place."

 

The pilot calmly reached up' pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you will die along with the rest of us."

 

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the co-pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I am going to spill HIS brains all over the place."

 

The co-pilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot has a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you will die along with the rest of us."

 

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I am going to spill HIS brains all over the place."

 

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I would not do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me, they could not find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you will die along with the rest of us."

 

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I am going to spill HER brains all over the place."

 

No one said a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.

 

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

 

"I told him," she replied, "that if he killed me, he would be the one who would have to give you guys your blow jobs."

 

*******

 

No matter how hard you try, you cannot end a sentence with the word "the".

[exmod110]

BANNED FROM WAL-MART...

 

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

 

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

 

Dear Mrs. Gilbert

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras .

 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

 

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares... Get on it right away.'

 

5.. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

 

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7.. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

 

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

 

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

 

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

 

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,

Wal-Mart

[exmod110]

Saskatchewan Midget

 

The testicles of a Saskatchewan midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The

midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

 

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The

midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and

started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle

and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check

for a hernia.

 

"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right

testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical

scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side.........then snip-snip-snip-snip on

the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted

with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

 

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see

if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked

around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said," How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did

you do?

 

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."

[Brad Clayton]

Four buddies are playing golf. One steps into the woods to relieve himself. So the other 3 are bragging about how well there children are doing. The first guy mentions that his son has a huge successful auto dealership. The second talks about how is son is the best contractor and has condos going up all over the north side of town. The third guy brags about how well his son is doing in the stock market and is the top broker in the state.

 

By now the Fourth guy has rejoined the group and they ask how his son is doing. He replies, oh I have to say I don't agree with his lifestyle and sexual preference. But he's doing alright I guess, he's got a brand new car, a condo, and one hell of a portfolio.

[eastendpowerstroke]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks,'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment,then looks at the box,then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do,we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second,I want you to relax.Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. .

 

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

[Aaron]

No matter how hard you try, you cannot end a sentence with the word "the".

Din't you just do that?

 

[Jim Warman]

Three couples want to join a new congregation in town.... The pastor informs these couples that, in order to join this new church, that they must be able to abstain from sex for two weeks to show their devotion to the Lord....

 

After the two weeks the first couple meets with the pastor.... The husband proclaims that they had little trouble meeting the entry criteria... "The call of the Lord was strong and they stifled their animal urges with bible readings"... The Pastor welcomed them to the fold.

 

The second couple said "we had a little trouble the first week and nearly succumbed to the call of the devil... however, we perservered...". The Pastor welcomed them to the flock.

 

The husband of the third couple was apologetic.... "The first week was hard.... really hard.... but halfway through the second week, my wife bent over to pick up a can of paint and I took her - right there and right then.... ".

 

The Pastor said, officiously.... "I'm sorry - you're not welcome in our church.".

 

The husband replied "That's OK.... we're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either....".

 

Time flies like an arrow..... fruit flies like a banana.

[Jim Warman]

Originally Posted By: Jim Warman

No matter how hard you try, you cannot end a sentence with the word "the".

Din't you just do that?

 

Without copying my statement... and without copying this one.... can you end a sentence with the word "the"?

[joshbuys]

Originally Posted By: Jim Warman

No matter how hard you try, you cannot end a sentence with the word "the".

Din't you just do that?

 

I do beleive you are correct sir!

 

[slim]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend

the night with her for $500. They did their thing,

and, before he left, he told her that he did

not have any cash with him, but he would have his

secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling

the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

 

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had

done, realizing that the whole event had not been

worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check

for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

 

"Dear Madam:

 

Enclosed find a ceck for $250 for rent of your

apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,

because when I rented the place, I was under the

impression that:

 

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

 

However, I found out that:

 

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn't any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large."

 

 

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately

returned the check for $250 with the following note:

 

" Dear Sir:

 

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a

beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you

know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of

regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture

to fill it, please do not blame the management.

 

 

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced

to contact your present landlady."

[joshbuys]

One of the most common words in the english language is the word THE.

 

Case and point I just used it 4 times in one sentence!

 

[LARRY BRUDZYNSKI]

Who does this sound like?????

 

 

 

An oily, disreputable looking fellow walks into a bank with a large sack on his back. Seeing an open teller, the man walks up to the young lady and places the sack on the counter.

 

"I want to open a fucking savings account!" the man grunts.

 

"I am sorry sir, we prefer politer customers," she replied, offended.

 

"Okay, look I just wanna open a fucking banking account."

 

"I'm sorry, but you just can't speak that way."

 

The supervisor, seeing the trouble went over to check on the situation. She got there and got the story from the teller. Trying another tack, she decided to handle the situation herself.

 

"How can I help you?" she asked, all smiles.

 

"Listen, I would like to open a FUCKING savings account!"

 

"I am sorry, but we do not deal with people who use vulgar language."

 

Finally, the bank manager came over to settle the matter.

 

"What is the matter here?" he asked.

 

"Look," replied the customer, "I just won 47 million dollars in the lottery and I wanted to open a fucking savings account to deposit all the cash in."

 

"Are these two bitches giving you trouble?" quickly replied the manager.